Why My Hair Dont Grow No More

Hamza: “S in my class has a really bad handwriting"
Safya: Oh ya?
Hamza: He told us all a secret today
Safya: What is it?
Hamza: He said he can write really well.  He just chooses not to
Safya: What? That’s so cool
Hamza: Ya, it’s a miracle
Safya: Total miracle

As some of you know, I’ll be http://www.canadianfamily.ca’s guest blogger for the month of April.   I have five free subscription to the magazine that I am giving away.  If you’re interested then leave a comment (on the blog) and subscribe to my posts.  On or around March 31st I’ll post winners.  If you haven’t subscribed to posts then you may miss the fact that you won :).

Kids had friends over.  One of their friends, grade 3’er, yelled “fine, suit yourself”.  Ayaan, my 3 year old yelled back: “Nooo!  YOU shoot yourself”. 

Of course if I had it, my 3 year old would call it a “bad guy” and it’d battle spiderman, superman and ironman until it was shattered into pieces (during which it’d have to put up with several attempts to be flushed down the toilet).  Either they didn’t have 3 year olds 35,000 years ago or they just sent their 3 year olds out to chase mammoths around.  That would also explain why mammoths went extinct. 

Ayaan wakes me up at some unholy hour.
“What do you want, Ayaan?”
”I am going to wake up bhai and aapi so we can eat cereal together” (his brother and sister)
”Okay”

As soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up again
”What?”
”Sorry for waking you up”
”It’s okay, what do you need?”
”Nothing.  I wanted to tell you something”
”Okay, tell me”
”Sorry for waking you up”

And he walks away.

Tomorrow night around midnight I’ll wake him up to apologize for waking him up. 

So long, my 52” LCD TV.

I went to Washington DC for a week.  I got back tired and hungry.  After putting Ayaan to bed as I walked towards the kitchen to get food what do I notice?  A huge scratch on the TV, that’s what. On close inspection I could see several small dents. It seems like someone repeatedly hit the TV with something.

When Hamza cracked my previous TV, he did it in one shot.  So at least I know it wasn’t him.  He didn’t need multiple hits.  Safiya is 8. It’d be really sad if she did it.  I am giving my wife the benefit of doubt.  That leaves Ayaan, the three year old.

I asked him and he replied “it was a bad guy who did it with his sword”.  That’s when I took out my stare of death that I inherited from my mother.  “Okay, it was an accident”.  What?  Accident? How do you accidentally hit the TV screen REPEATEDLY????

That’s the second LCD cracked in Hamid household in three years. I am going ol’ school with tube TVs :(

Safiya (not yet 8): “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up”
Me: “What do you mean”
Safiya: “I mean, I don’t  know if I want to be a scientist, or a tattoo artist, or a belly dancer”

Yes, I can totally see how they are all related.  Totally. 

Ayaan, not yet three, just came to me and said: “Can we go to Tim Hortons and get me a blueberry bagel with crème cheese and a small double-double please?” 

We just came back from the Disney World. After the Buzz Lightyear ride, my not-yet-three year old yelled (in a crowded room I might add): “That was fun, I like killing”.  30 or so people turned around to look at my embarrassed face (no really, I don’t teach him that stuff). 

My not-yet-three year old wanted something the 6 year old had. The 6-year-old went: “I’ll share with you. But you’ll have to give it back to me”. “Okay”, he replied.

A few minutes later he comes in with a grin: “it’s all gone”.  “Where did it go”, I asked.  “I put it in the potty and flushed it”.  He has been doing it a lot, so I put him on a timeout where he spent a few minutes.  But when I checked, there was nothing in the toilet.  Worse, a couple of hours later I found Ayaan (the not-yet-3 year old) playing with it. 

It turned out that he lied about flushing it down so he wouldn’t have to give it back to his brother.  Not only that, but he actually accepted punishment for an act that he did not do, repeating “It’s gone now” every time I asked where it was. 

This kids is going to either be a politician or a criminal mastermind (I know some of you won’t see the difference). 

Ayaan is not 3 yet.

Ayaan: “Can I sleep in your bed?”
Me: “No”
Ayaan: “May I please sleep in your bed?”
Me: “No”
Ayaan: “Okay, then when mama comes I’ll sleep in your bed.  That’s cuz mama loves me”
Me: “I love you too Ayaan”
Ayaan: “No you don’t love me.  Only mama loves me. You dont let me sleep in your bed”
Me: “Everyone loves you Ayaan.  Me, mama .. <went through the entire family> … even Sushi and Spice (they are our cats)”
Ayaan: “No, Sushi and Spice dont love me. They are not happy with me”
Me: “Why are they not happy with you?”
Ayaan: “Because they are not happy with me. They are sad with me”

• I never thought it would be so easy to stick my hand in the toilet to recover yet another thing Ayaan threw in and tried to flush down
• Use “because I said so” often.  It is a valid reason.  Do it because I would like you to do it!
• I never, ever, thought there would be moments I would have to struggle not to spank these kids.  I mean, what kind of monster wants to hit a 3 year old.  Apparently the monster who has to live with the said 3 year old. 
• Who ever thought I would happily stand in line for 40-freaking-five minutes for a 60 second pony ride?

It was bothering the kids that our cats were not married.  So instead of talking about the difference between monogamous humans and, ya know, cats, my wife decided to hold a wedding ceremony to get the cats married.

Update: I am sad to inform you that the groom left his bride at the altar.  We have no idea where Spice is hiding.  I guess he really wanted to maintain his freedom.  What freedom! He’s even a real man anymore, poor thing.  Sorry Sushi, another day perhaps.  

Hamza, to me: “When you were still a man…”
Me, horrified: “wait, what do you mean ‘still a man’?”
Hamza: “You know, when you were a grownup”

Shew!  For a second I thought he did not think of me as a man.  Wait, what does he mean when I was a grownup? 

Ayaan, not 3 yet, had to go to the bathroom. He comes running: “I have to do it!” 
“Do what?”, I ask.
”Baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do”
”Who told you that, Ayaan”
”Tommy, from the TV”

Thank you Tommy, from the TV, for encouraging him to “do it” in the bathroom instead of his usual spot, under the coffee table on my antique rug.

Ayaan, the two-year-old, comes up saying “I want to do pilates”.  I am thinking ‘what?’  The 7-year old yells out “come, I’ll help”.  She sets up the Wii, brings out the Wii-fit board, pops in some DVD and they all start doing yoga and pilates.

I still don’t know what pilates actually is, but apparently they do it regularly. 

Wife and Ayaan (2 yrs old) passed by a gas station. Ayaan gives out a big huff of air and yells out in utter shock and disbelief: “argh, it’s 86c for car wash?”
(Gas costs around that much per litre in Canada)

I should’ve handled it when this happened. The other day someone knocks the door. As I walked towards the door, I heard this:

Hamza (yelling): “There’s someone at the door. He has white skin”.
Safiya: “Hamza, you dont say that!”

At this point I am thinking good, at least the 7 year old has some sense. But then I heard this:

Safiya: “You say light brown skin”
Hamza (still screaming): “There is a light brown guy at the door”

Safiya: How old is Canada?
Me: About 150 years old.
Safiya: Wow, that is so old. That is a very long time ago! One-hundred-and-fifty-years! Were you there when they discovered Canada?
Me: No.
Safiya: Oh, so only grandma was there?

We pass by four motorcycles. Ayaan informs me: “look, four motorcycles.”

Like any other father, I come home all proud that my two year old can count. I take him to the kitchen in front of THREE cups and ask him to count. He goes: “one, two, four”. I tell him, “No, it’s one, two, three”. "No, it’s four”, he replies.

Determined, I put five cups. “Count now”. “One, two, four, five, four”, he replies. Argh, I take him in front of 9 spoons.”How about now?” “One, Two, Four, Five, Six, Eight, Seven, Four, Four”.

At the end it didn’t matter. The answer was always four.

I guess he’ll play golf.